I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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