Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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