So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize