I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
