Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
