I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize