I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
