I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
