I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
