You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Operation Purity has been aborted
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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