My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
