Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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