Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize