I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
