Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
