Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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