Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
