i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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