you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
