You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize