This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
