that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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