GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
