i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
