you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
