I must be too annoying 4 u.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
