The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
