I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
