I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
God I need to hump something, right now.
ok first of all what the fuck
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize