ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
