I wish I could teleport
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
