im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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