At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
