i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
