I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fuck appropriateness.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
