Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
