it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
