I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
