I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
