its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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