So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
