i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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