you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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