Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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