I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
