If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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