so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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