Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I could make wine with my vomit
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
