i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
