mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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