Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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