Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
