my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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