oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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