Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
