im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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