You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
