new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
