The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize