He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
