I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize